Sermon: Jesus, the Wonderful Grief Counselor

Again, we wanna welcome you to our evening service. We're continuing in our series, excuse me, on Death and Dying. And last week I preached on, um, how to deal with grief yourself.

And tonight we're gonna be talking about how to help others who grieve, how to grieve with hope. And we saw that that was the dynamic in two Corinthians one, three, and four, where Paul said, God comforts us in all our affliction so that we might comfort others in any affliction. So as God helps you deal with your own sorrow, your own grief, your own affliction, you'll have something to give away. So tonight we're gonna look at some practical dos

and don'ts about how to help people. And then we're gonna look at Jesus, the wonderful grief counselor in John 1144. You should have gotten a handout on the way in. And the reason I had a handout is because I realized I was gonna make 19 points, and I figured that might be a lot to remember. So, um, you can take that home and be reminded of what we talked about and just kind of use it as a reference. So before we get into the sermon,

let's pause again and let's pray.

Lord, we're talking about something difficult tonight. Much of life is difficult because we live in a fallen world. So we pray, father, that you would captivate us, captivate our hearts with your glory. We pray that you would liberate our hearts with your grace, pray that you would educate our minds with your truth, and then activate our us through your Holy Spirit. We want to learn from Jesus the wonderful grief counselor so

that we can become more like him. So we pray that you would do that for your glory in Jesus name.

So we're gonna take a look at some do's and don'ts. Before I do that, let me just remind you of a definition of grief that we talked about last week. Grief is defined as a whole person response of intense sadness or despair to a real or perceived loss of something or someone the person values. So grief is always about loss, about the loss of something precious and valued, and there's nothing more precious and valued than when we lose a loved one.

So in my study about grief, uh, I've been teaching about it in my counseling class and I've also had the privilege of meeting with some people who are grieving. So from my study and from my privilege of experiencing, uh, what people have to say about grief, I wanna share five don'ts and five dos before we head to scripture. So what shouldn't we do when we're trying to help someone who's grieving? First of all, don't ever say at least,

or just don't say something like, I know you're grieving, but at least you know where he is. Well, that's true and probably well meant, but do you see how it minimizes suffering? It it feels to the person, like you're saying that the fact that my loved one is in heaven should just wash away any pain right now. So don't say at least that that's, that's gonna head in a bad direction. And don't say just whenever you use the word just you're

implying something is easy. So don't, if someone is concerned about the future, don't say, well, just trust the Lord for the future. As soon as you say just, it implies this is no big deal. And brothers and sisters, what we're talking about tonight is never easy. This is a big deal that we're talking about the final enemy. Second, don't push people to do things they may not re be ready for. It's certainly okay to suggest things that might be helpful.

Like you might think about joining grief share at Trinity Church, or you might wanna seek out one of the counselors in our church, or you know, maybe go on a trip or come to a family reunion. It's okay to suggest, but don't push people. It again, it feels like you're trying to, uh, hurry them up and fix them. We're often tempted to do that. We wanna remove the suffering because we don't wanna see the person suffer. And so we're tempted to kind of hurry them along.

So don't hurry people, don't fix people just love them. Don't fix people. Just walk with them. Now if you see some pattern developing that seems very harmful, uh, a moroseness, an isolation, it might be appropriate to gently exhort them, but in general suggest, but let them make the decision. Number three, don't expect grief to follow a certain sequence. We're all familiar with the five stages of grief. I mentioned those last week.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. But people's people grieve very differently. Grief is very personal and it's non-linear. And sometimes people worry about, am I, am I taking too long in this stage or should I be up here? What should I do? And it's just not like that. Grief is all over the place. So make sure that we don't expect it to be orderly or sequential. Number four, don't, don't share scripture

prematurely and superficially. What would be an example of that? Well, there's no more comprehensive, wonderful promise in the Bible than Romans 8 28, right? And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those called according to his purpose. It's a beautiful, powerful, all comprehensive promise. But if you say it too quickly, you may get the response, they probably won't say it, but they might think, yeah, that's right,

that's in the Bible, but I don't care because you don't get it. So be careful when you, when you share scripture at first, we should be doing a lot more listening than speaking.

So don't share scripture prematurely or superficially. And last, number five, don't hover or abandon. Hover might look like calling someone twice every day. Are you okay? How's everything? Do you need anything? And it might imply that you feel like they're totally incompetent and can't handle anything. So don't hover, but don't abandon usually right before the funeral or the memorial service and for a week or two afterwards, there's a lot of compassion,

there's a lot of care and people are doing things and asking and praying and then well, for a lot of people, life just goes back to normal. But there will never be normal again for the persons who's grieving. So after that two or three weeks call, write a card, take someone out to coffee or lunch maybe if you see 'em at church, say, I've been thinking about you and praying for you. How are you doing? And then finally, the last,

oh, I already did that one. So those are five don'ts. Here are five dos. Number one, pray often for the Lord's comfort and hope, pray that their personal story, which right now is in a very hard painful chapter, gets plugged into the big story. The big story is creation. Everything was very good Fall, everything went very bad. Redemption. Jesus changes everything. And then consummation, there is a blessed hope of happily ever after Pray that God in his own way,

in his own time would bring comfort and hope and that their story being plugged into the big story would give them meaning and hope. Alright, that's for number one. Do. Let's just take a look at the second one. The second do is be willing to listen again and again and to weep with people. We don't wanna try to console our comfort from a distance. And sometimes we get tired of hearing the story as they, as they rehearse the story of what happened again and again.

Or as they try to process it, we wanna enter into their sorrow. Not to be overwhelmed, but to let them know we're there with them. We want to be moved by their story. When people feel like their story has touched you and changed you just a little bit, they feel heard and they feel understood and loved. So be patient. Sometimes we just need to be willing to sit with people in their grief. Don't try to fix them or minimize their suffering.

Number three, remember anniversaries and significant events. It might be the person who died their their anniversary or a wedding anniversary. Uh, and remember that the first year after a death, there's gonna be a whole lot of firsts. The first holiday, the first vacation, the first. This, the verse that. So remember and reach out to people. Number four, when you seek to minister to someone who's grieving, put on gospel clothes, what does that mean?

Well, in Colossians three, verse 12, Paul says, put on then like close as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, that's your identity. Put on compassionate hearts. Again, be willing to enter in. We're gonna see how Jesus did that be moved. Put on kindness, put on humility. Humility means don't assume you know exactly what they're going through and what they need. Ask. Ask, how was that first last week when you had your first Thanksgiving without your

spouse or without your child? How has God been sustaining you? Ask them and maybe ask, instead of just sharing scripture all the time, what scriptures have been encouraging to you lately? So come with humility, come with meekness. We're gonna treat people very gently and come with patience. So put on compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience bearing with one another. And above all these put on love which binds everything

together in perfect harmony. Finally, with compassion, with humility and patience. Point people and lead them to Christ. The wonderful grief Counselor. We know that one of his titles in Isaiah chapter nine was Wonderful. Counselor, as I've been thinking about grief, I realize he's the wonderful grief counselor. And there's a very, very clear place that we can see that. And that's in the story of Mary and Martha and Lazarus.

So I'd invite you to pick up your Bibles right now and turn to John 11. We're gonna read kind of a long passage and we're gonna look at Jesus' qualifications as the wonderful grief counselor. We're gonna see many things he does that qualifies him to be our counselor, to be others' counselor. We're also gonna see some of the things that he does as things that we can do as well. L So John 11

verses one through 44.

Now a certain man was ill Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. It was Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment and wiped his feet with her hair whose brother Lazarus was ill. So the sister sent to him saying, Lord, he whom you love is ill. But when Jesus heard it, he said, this illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God so that the Son of God may be glorified through it. Now, Jesus loved Martha and her sister in Lazarus.

So when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was. Then after this he said to the disciples, let us go to Judea again. The disciples said to him, rabbi, the Jews were just now seeking to stone you and are you going there again? Jesus answered, are there not 12 hours in the day? If anyone walks in the day, he does not stumble because he sees the light of this world. But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles

because the light is not in him. After saying these things, he said to them, our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but I go to awaken him. Then his disciples said to him, Lord, if he's fallen asleep, he will recover. Now, Jesus had spoken of his death, but they thought he meant taking rest in sleep. Then Jesus said to them, plainly, Lazarus has died and for your sake I'm glad I was not there so that you may believe, but let us go to him.

So Thomas called the twins, said to his fellow disciples, let us go also that we may die with him. Now, when Jesus came, he found that Lazarus had been in the tomb four days. Bethany was near Jerusalem, about two miles and about, and many of the Jews had come to Martha and Mary to console them concerning their brother. So when Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went and met him. But Mary remained seated in the house.

Martha said to Jesus, Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give it to you. Jesus said to her, your brother will rise again. Martha said to him, I know that he will rise again in the resurrection. On the last day, Jesus said to her, I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die yet shall he live and whoever lives and believes in me shall never die.

Do you believe this? She said to him, yes Lord, I believe that you are the Christ, the son of God who is coming into the world. When she had said this, she went and called her sister Mary, saying, in private the teacher is here and is calling for you. And when she heard it, she rose quickly and went to him. Now, Jesus had not yet come into the village, but he was still in the place where Martha had met him. When the Jews who were with her in the house consoling her,

saw Mary rise quickly and go out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to weep there. Now, when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet saying to him, Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. When Jesus saw her weeping in the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, where have you laid him? They said, Lord, come and see Jesus wept.

So the Jews said, see how he loved him? But some of them said, could he not? Could not. He who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying. Then Jesus deeply moved again, came to the tomb. It was a cave and a stone lay against it. Jesus said, take away the stone. Martha, the sister of the dead man said to him, Lord, by this time there will be an odor for he has been dead four days. Jesus said to her, did I not tell you that if you believed,

you would see the glory of God? So they took away the stone and Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around that they may believe that you sent me. When he had said these things, he cried out in a loud voice, Lazarus come out, the man who had died came out his hands and feet bound with linen strips

and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, unbind him and let him go. This is God's word to us tonight. So several things I wanna just point out about Jesus that make him the preeminent, beautiful, sympathetic, all powerful grief counselor. So in verses one through four, which is the very beginning of the story letter A, Jesus fully understands every grievous situation. Clearly Martha and Mary did not understand,

the disciples didn't understand, and when someone is sick and dying, we often don't understand and we ask why? What's happening? How is this gonna end? But Jesus knew the end from the beginning. He understood exactly what was going on. He understood exactly how long it would be and what he was going to do. And that's comforting because in the midst of these things we often are very confused. Secondly, also from uh, verses one through four,

Jesus not only understands, he has a redemptive purpose in every situation, he knew what he was going to do and that immediately connects in our minds to wonderful verses. Genesis 50, verse 20, when Joseph is talking to his brothers and they're afraid that he's going to uh, put 'em in prison or kill them for what they did, he says, you meant this for evil, but God meant it for good, for the saving of many lives. And the other verse that connects with that,

we've already mentioned, Romans 8 28, we know that for those who love God, all things work together for those called according to his purpose. So Jesus has a redemptive purpose. Those kinds of verses should inform our thinking as we're ministering to people. But again, we want to be careful of our timing and what we say. If we say things too early, it feels superficial and people don't feel understood. In verse five, Jesus in,

in fact, a couple times John mentions Jesus love says, he whom you love is ill. And in verse five it says, now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So Jesus dearly loves his own. His friends Lazarus and Martha and Mary were not just disciples, they were close friends. He would often stay with them when he was ministering in Jerusalem, he cared deeply for them. He knew them intimately. He delighted in them as his friends.

He's going to draw near and he's going to act because they're his friends and he loves him. And again, this is very important because when people are suffering, when they're grieving, it's often very hard to sense the love of God. And people suspect I must have done something wrong or I should have done this or I shouldn't have done that. And just to be assured that even in those very, very difficult times, Jesus loves his own

and whatever he does is out of love for them. The next thing we see is in verses five and six. Now this is, this is strange. It's a mystery and it's very counterintuitive. It says, now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was. This is a mystery. And the way I'm gonna put it is Jesus ordains what he hates to achieve what he loves.

What does that mean? When Jesus found out that Lazarus was ill, he could have gone right away or we know that Jesus has the power to just will something, think something from a distance. He could have healed him. He could have just said to the mes, you can go home. Lazarus is well, but he deliberately stayed where he was knowing that Lazarus would die. So in that sense, he allowed Lazarus to die, or we could say he ordained that Lazarus would die.

He decided that Lazarus would die. And the strange thing is it was because he loved them. Now that's so counterintuitive that several years ago the NIV Bible translated this not the way it is, they translated it. They said, now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus, yet when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer. And that seems to make more sense to us because if you love someone, you don't let 'em die.

But the whole point here is that Jesus is ordaining or deciding to let something happen that he hates. And we know he hates it by how he responds when he gets there. But it is in order to achieve something that he loves people's faith and the glory of God. So there's a mystery in God's sovereignty and that's often very hard for us. We struggle because what we're seeing and feeling doesn't seem to go along with what we know about God.

There's a mystery and it tests our faith. Are we going to trust and are we willing to wait to see how this chapter ends? Maybe we don't fully understand it until we're in glory, but there's a good ending to this story. But it goes from bad to worse before it gets to gloriously good. So Jesus ordains what he hates in order to achieve what he loves. The next thing is in verse 11,

Jesus says, our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but I go to awaken him. And obviously the disciples misunderstood, thought he was just sleeping. Jesus knew he was dead. But here's the point, even death is only sleep to Jesus. Even death is only sleep to him. This is what it means to be the son of God. For him raising a dead person is no more difficult than you waking up your child, shaking them, saying, honey, it's time to get up.

That's how hard it is for Jesus to raise the dead because he's the son of God. The next thing is in verses 21 through 27 and verses 32 through 35, and here we, we encounter something else that is unspeakably precious. Jesus deals personally wisely and graciously with our grief. You notice that there are two sisters, Martha and Mary. They both encounter Jesus individually. They're not together. They both say the sa, the very same words to Jesus.

Lord, if you had been here my bro, our brother would not have died. And maybe we might even suspect there was a little anger in that. Certainly great grief and confusion. Lord, we've seen you heal people. We know you love us. This doesn't make any sense. If you had been here, he wouldn't have died. But I want you to notice how differently he responds to Martha than he does to Mary. With Martha, he uses words. He brings her into a conversation, a dialogue.

Your brother will rise again. Yes, I know he'll rise again on the last day. No, you don't understand. I am the resurrection. He who believes in me, though he dies, he'll live again. And whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this? Yes, I believe that you're the Christ who is coming into the world. So with Martha, he uses words, he appeals to her mind. He teases out the truth and he gently tests for faith

because he knew Martha and he knew that was a good approach with her. But Mary's very different. Remember the story in Luke 10 of Mary and Martha. Martha is busy. She seems to be kind of a type a personality. She's taking charge and Mary is just sitting at Jesus' feet. She's a completely different personality. So how does he deal with her? He sees her weeping. He hears her words. If you had been here, he sees everyone else

weeping and he just weeps. And this doesn't mean just a a, a tear. This is weeping. He, he enters in fully and he, he, he just appeals and, uh, responds to her emotionally, not mentally. And that's precious because it reminds us that Jesus knows each one of us in all our griefs and sorrows. And he knows exactly how to deal with you. He knows exactly how to deal with someone you may be ministering to. So he deals personally wisely and graciously with our grief.

Next verses 33 through 35,

it says, when Jesus saw her weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And then it says that he wept the, the deeply moved the images of a war horse snorting. He's not just moved, he's angry. He's angry. So Jesus enters fully into our grief with three things, with holy anger. He's angry at sin and death because this is not the way it was supposed to do. He enters into our grief with sorrow, deep sorrow

because he cares about Mary and all these people who are grieving with her. And he enters in with compassion, with heartbreaking compassion. He's angry at sin and death and he's so broken up, he weeps with her, with Jesus. You know, in the, in the five stages of grief, the final stage, the place you wanna get to is acceptance. There's no acceptance here with Jesus. He doesn't accept this at all. That's a very weak thing.

There's no comfortable distance. When we're dealing with grieving people, we often want to just kind of keep a little bit of distance because it's awkward. It may feel embarrassing. We don't know what to say and so we kind of wanna hurry them along. Not Jesus. There's no comfortable distance. There's no get over it attitude. He enters fully into our grief with holy anger, deep sorrow and heartbreaking compassion. He has such complete solidarity with Mary and Martha

and these people that he's deeply moved. And we want to do the same. We want to enter in not keep ourselves at a comfortable distance. It's so easy to just kinda emotionally dis and then just like share some scriptures or say, I'll pray for you. And it's because it's painful to enter into other people's pain. It's awkward, it's hard. So underneath the he has the power. Well, I'm sorry, the next one is he has the power

to make everything that is tragically wrong, gloriously right.

Let me just back up one second. As Jesus enters fully into our grief with anger, sorrow, and compassion, the irony here is he knows that in five minutes he's gonna raise Lazarus from the dead. Do you see this incredible conjunction of attributes? He's got power to deal with even death, but that does not stop him from moving in and feeling and sympathizing and sharing the anger and the grief that's precious. So Jesus has the power to make everything tragically wrong.

Gloriously right death is the final enemy. There's nothing worse. It's final.

And Jesus has ordained that this would happen. Now what is he gonna do? Well, he raises him from the dead. So number one, he reverses the curse of sin and death. No one can do that. But Jesus, in the day that you eat this, you will die. Death is the curse. And Jesus redeemed us from the curse by becoming a curse. He, he died in our place and he brings new resurrection life. As we saw in John 1125, I am the resurrection of the life.

Now Lazarus is not technically resurrected. He's resuscitated, he's going to die again. But it was a picture. It was a picture of Jesus coming, resurrection, which would be about a week later. And it's a picture of what we will experience as well. So Jesus has the power when everything is absolutely done, final despair, no hope He's able to bring new life. Excuse me, this is pictured in Tolkien's. Lord of the ring. There's a scene in the Lord of the ring where

Gandalf, the wizard and Pippin, one of the hobbits are on the ramparts of a great city. And they know they're just about to be attacked by the forces of evil from Mordor. And again, it looks like it's gonna be cataclysmic and there's gonna be a lot of death. And Pippin says to Gandalf, I didn't think it would end this way. And Gandalf says, end. No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take.

The gray rain curtain of this world rolls back and all turns to silver, silver glass. And then you see it what? Gandalf, see what shores and beyond a far green country under a swift sunrise. Pippin says, well that isn't so bad. Kandal says, no, no it isn't. It's just a picture of how even the darkest hardest things God redeems out of the death of Jesus comes new life. Lazarus is resuscitated as a picture of our future resurrection.

And finally, Jesus' ultimate goal is our joy and God's glory. We could say our joy in God's glory, his ultimate goal in our grief, in everything is that God would be glorified and we would have joy. You remember that Jesus said two things, two purpose statements in allowing Lazarus today. One is so that you will believe so that these people would believe Jesus is always after faith. And secondly, he said, this is not unto death,

but for the glory of God. And when you think about it, the story starts here with Lazarus sick and Mary and Martha afraid, and they send for Jesus and Jesus does a strange thing. And then it goes here, Lazarus dies and they're confused and everyone's grieving and weeping. But it doesn't just end up back here, does it? That's what would've happened if Jesus had come and healed him. It ends up way up here because a resurrection is greater than healing.

And the amazement and joy that Mary and Martha and the people of the town of Bethany experienced is far greater in seeing Lazarus come out of the tomb than just seeing him healed. So Jesus' goal, even as he sometimes ordains hard things, is our joy, our increased faith in the glory of God. So let me just read the dos one more time and then we'll pray and sing. So how do we help other people grieve? We pray often for the Lord's comfort and hope

and pray that they would see that their story plugs into a bigger story. That includes redemption and happily ever after. Secondly, we are willing to listen again and again and let people rehearse their story and process and grieve and we're willing to weep with them. Third, we remember anniversaries and significant events. Fourth, we put on gospel clothes, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience.

And five, with that compassion, humility, and patience, we point them and gently lead them to Christ, the wonderful Counselor. One last thing, two last things. Jesus is the wonderful grief counselor, partly because he can do things no one else can. We can't raise the dead. But some of the things he did are what theologians would call communicable attributes. We can do that. We can learn to move in with understanding and be moved and enter in.

We can learn to love in hard places. We can lean, learn to deal with people personally, individually, wisely and compassionately instead of treating everyone with the same kind of ministry model. And we too can look forward to glory and joy. Before I pray, I want to just share two resources with you that I think would be very helpful. They're both very short books. This one is called Someone I Know is Grieving by Edward Welch.

Uh, and it just kind of helps you as a person to walk with someone who's grieving, very compassionate, very humble. And this is a 31 day devotional by Bob Kelman called Walking With Jesus Grief, walking with Jesus. Uh, both of these are excellent resources. So let me pray to close.

Lord Jesus, we thank you that you left the glory of heaven in the infinite comfort and beauty glory. And you came to this earth, this very broken, sinful planet. Thank you that you lived a life as a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And at the end of your life, you took our sorrows and griefs and our sicknesses and pains and our very sins in your own body on the cross. And three days later, you were gloriously raised from the dead.

And there is our hope. Lord, it's you. So Lord, I pray for anyone tonight who is grieving. It may not be the death of someone, but it may be another significant loss. And everything we just said applies to them as well. And I pray for all of us, Lord, we want to be helpful when people are hurting, when people are grieving and sometimes we feel awkward, we feel clumsy, and it's easier to just let someone else minister to them

or uh, to just say what sounds like a platitude. Lord, help us to grow in our compassion and our wisdom and our skill. Lord, there's much grief in any church and that that includes ours. Help us to be a community of healing and hope and comfort and ultimate joy. And we pray this in your precious name, Lord. Amen.